Girl turned into a warrior

Every one has a story. I strongly believe that you cannot control some of the circumstances of your life however you can control how you react and the meaning that you assign it. You can absolutely take something ugly and make it into something beautiful. You can be the creator of your life.

My mother was a single mom who had a rough childhood. She told me stories of her dad stating that he was going to "knock her f***ing head off" and even her parents telling her to cover up when being close to the neighbors so they don't see the bruises. I don't know how true these statements are however I do know that my mother acted like an adult stuck in a childlike state at times. The stories she told me to line up to how she acted. The trauma put her in that child state when the traumatic event happened. This scared me because when you are little you need a protector and someone that makes you feel safe. Please keep in mind that just because you have trauma doesn't mean that you continue the cycle. There is no reason why your children should suffer just because your parents were mean to you. I made a promise to myself when I was a girl that my children would NEVER experience or go through what I did. It wasn't life threatening however every child needs a safe place and my children were going to feel safe with me.

My first memory was around the age of 5 or 6 years. I was at a friend's house a few streets over. I remember calling my mother and telling her that it was time for her to pick me up. She told me to be on the lookout for her so I could just hop in the car when she got there. I was a kid and kids get distracted easily so I did not do that. My mother instead had to come to the door, knock, and ask for me. First let me start off by saying my mother struggled with anxiety, depression, PTSD and multiple other issues. It doesn't make what she did next right however it helps you understand her reaction. When I got in the car I was slapped across the face. I remember crying my eyes out and holding my face. I was hoping that my friends wouldn't see. How embarrassing would that be?! From that moment on, I told myself that I wasn't safe anywhere and it was just me against the world. When something traumatic happens to you, your brain will assign a meaning to it. Your brain is amazing and it will find ways to keep you alive/safe. Also, my mother was on disability due to the issues that she had which meant that I did not get a break from her. She was always home. Luckily I can recall that story and not get upset anymore...that's what over 7 years of trauma therapy did.

Things never did get better however she did stop with the slapping. Most of my childhood was a blur. It was hard to remember things as I blocked a lot of things out. This is very common for people with trauma. Also, I became an overachiever which I feel like was another result from the trauma. I would fall asleep studying in my room with my head buried into a book. A busy girl is a good girl, right?! I learned to be a people pleaser to make my mother happy. If I made her happy then there a small chance that she would not get angry. My mother was a like a ticking time bomb. You never knew when she would go off but you knew the bomb would explode. She would constantly blame me for things that weren't by fault. She was very manipulative. She would tell me I was a bad daughter and I would believe it. For all of my childhood I didn't know any better. I thought I was the problem and it was a secret that I didn't want anyone to know. I learned to read body language and changes in behavior/tone very easily. I was always on guard and never felt like I could relax. This took such a toll on my nervous system.

I was put on anti-depressant medication at the age of 12. I did get some relief however I could never get full relief as I lived with person responsible. I was such a bright light when I came into this world too. My mother used to tell me to not to smile so big in pictures as you couldn't see my eyes. I am an animal lover and I have a huge heart. I am and will always be the primary target for a narcissist. My mother made me feel like my only purpose on the planet was to make her happy...like I wasn't allowed to have feelings but only serve her. That was extremely selfish of her. Maybe she should of put more time in her healing and less time into using me for her benefit.

My mother used me for money when I started working at 15. She didn't work and was only bringing in disability income. She loved that she got child support and would constantly send me into my dad's work so I could ask him for more money. I hated that she did this to me and put me in this situation. When I look back on my mother I realize I am nothing like her. I work for whatever I want. I don't complain instead take action. I don't make excuses. I have big dreams in this life and am constantly improving myself. I love who I am and now I can finally say that I am proud of me. I am such a strong, resilient, and beautiful soul who has dreams of helping humanity heal from trauma. :)

My mother would take at least $100 a week from my paychecks and say that it was to help feed the animals. It didn't take that much money to feed two bunnies and a couple of dogs. She would make me feel guilty for even getting them so I would give her the money. When I got older she even convinced me to get a student loan so I could pay off a $1000 credit card I was stressing about and I could give her money. My mother said that she was charging my rent while I was living with her for 6 months and commuting to college...She didn't tell me at the time but after the fact she wanted to charge me rent. My mother was always looking for a quick way to get money and that was her opportunity. At that point I just wanted her to leave me alone so I gave her some money. That was the biggest mistake I ever made and was a constant fight and disagreement between us. It is never okay to financial abuse people and take advantage of others for your financial gain.

The relationship with my mother got worse as I got older. She realized that she couldn't have control over me anymore. Abusers love to have control and when they start to lose that control they panic. I was still having fights with my mother and even moved in with my dad. My anxiety reached a peak in college during tennis class. I was crumbling under pressure and I didn't do well when I knew other people were watching me. My whole life I was criticized by my mother and I did not like opportunities that put me at the center of attention. It got to the point even with anxiety medication that I missed too many days of the tennis class. I asked to drop the class and the school approved as long as I saw a counselor for a few sessions. During the counseling appointment I took the opportunity to find out what was wrong with me and my mother's relationship. I was relieved to find out that it was not normal. I finally felt like I had some power back after a lifetime of my mother stealing it from me. I started to stand up for myself and my mother didn't like it at all.

She would constantly tell me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore and don't call her or come to see her. I was relieved when she would tell me this. Don't get me wrong it sucks being abandoned however my mother was exhausting to be around. One year she didn't want to talk to me right before Mother's Day. She called me to let me know how disappointed she was that I didn't get her anything for Mother's Day and she told me that I better go out and get her something. I went out to get her something last minute and even that wasn't good enough.

My mother would send me hateful letters in mail. I was married with a child getting horrible letters in the mail. I told her never to send me another letter again or I would shred it immediately. I started to become concerned that my son would notice this and think it was okay to let someone treat you like that. He deserves better and so do I.

I had a ruptured ovarian cyst on February 15, 2012. I was in the hospital and had severe pain that lasted months afterwards. The pain was so bad and it didn't get any better. I was in the hospital 2 weeks after that because the pain wouldn't stop and then again two weeks after that when a pregnancy test came back positive. My doctor was concerned that the baby was not healthy given the cyst and chronic pain. We had to wait a few weeks to come back for a ultrasound to see if there was a healthy heartbeat. Lucky everything was fine. When I told my mother I was pregnant she got mad at me. This was typical of her to get mad at me and stop talking to me. This was the last time I would ever talk to her. At that point complete strangers were happy for me but she was not. She tried to reach out to me multiple times after that but I never responded and instead blocked her. I was over being used and mistreated. This was be best decision I ever made and honestly I wish I made it sooner. I gave that woman so many chances and all she did was bring me down.

Family is not a right but a privilege. If someone mistreats you please stand up for yourself. Boundaries are your friend. If they don't respect your boundaries then they lose access to you. Stand up for yourself because you are worth it, my friend. I love each and everyone of you. :)

There is so much to my story and this is just the tip of it. There are several things I left out or didn't cover yet that I would love to share. Please stay tuned to more blog posts.